Anxiety

Anxiety has a way of making something that hasn’t happened yet feel as though it is happening right now.

Most of us know what it feels like to be anxious. Before an important meeting, waiting for medical results, worrying about somebody we love or lying awake before something we really don't want to do. Anxiety is part of being human and, in the right circumstances, it is useful. It alerts us to danger, prepares us to respond and makes sure we pay attention when something matters. The difficulty comes when anxiety stops being a response to what is happening and starts becoming the way we move through the world.

You might wake up with a sense of dread before you've even remembered what there is to worry about. Your mind may constantly run through what could go wrong. You replay conversations, worry that you've upset somebody, struggle to make decisions or find yourself seeking reassurance only to discover that the relief lasts for about ten minutes before the next worry arrives. Sometimes anxiety has an obvious focus. Sometimes everything is apparently fine and yet you still can't shake the feeling that something isn't.

Why am I anxious when nothing is wrong?

This can be one of the most frustrating things about anxiety. You can have a good relationship, a successful career, people who love you and no immediate crisis, yet your mind and body behave as though danger is just around the corner. Anxiety doesn't always respond particularly well to being told that everything is fine.

For some people, it develops during a particularly stressful period of life. For others, it has been around for so long that they struggle to remember what it feels like not to worry. Our earlier experiences can sometimes play a part. If you grew up around unpredictability, criticism, conflict or somebody whose mood you needed to monitor, being alert may once have been useful. You learnt to anticipate problems before they happened. Perhaps you became very good at reading other people, avoiding mistakes or keeping everyone happy.

Years later, the circumstances may be completely different but the habit of looking for what might go wrong can remain.

When worrying feels like doing something

Anxiety can be surprisingly convincing. It tells us that if we think about something for long enough, we might somehow prevent the bad thing from happening. So we analyse. We plan. We check. We Google. We replay the conversation. We ask somebody what they think, then ask somebody else. We imagine every possible outcome in the hope that one of them will make us feel certain. The problem is that certainty is usually exactly what anxiety cannot get enough of.

Reassurance can make us feel better temporarily, but the mind soon finds another question. But what if? becomes the beginning of an endless number of possibilities. Part of therapy can be learning to recognise the difference between solving a problem that actually exists and trying to think our way into a future in which nothing difficult can ever happen.

Anxiety isn't only in your head

Anyone who has experienced significant anxiety knows how physical it can be. Your heart races. Your chest tightens. Your stomach turns. You feel shaky, hot, dizzy or unable to take a satisfying breath. You might struggle to sleep or wake in the night with your mind suddenly wide awake. For some people, anxiety becomes a panic attack that feels so frightening they genuinely believe something terrible is happening. These bodily sensations can create another layer of anxiety because we start becoming frightened of the anxiety itself.

We monitor our heartbeat. We avoid places where we previously panicked. We worry about worrying. Life can gradually become smaller as we organise it around avoiding the feelings we are afraid we won't be able to cope with. Understanding what is happening in the body can help. Anxiety is not imaginary simply because there isn't an obvious external danger. The physical experience is real. Therapy can help you become less frightened of those sensations and develop ways of settling yourself when your nervous system is telling you that you need to be on high alert.

The exhausting business of appearing fine

Anxiety doesn't always look anxious.

Some of the most anxious people are extraordinarily capable. They meet deadlines, remember everything, anticipate everybody else's needs and rarely let anything drop. From the outside, they can look organised, ambitious and completely in control. Inside, it can feel rather different.

Perfectionism can sometimes be anxiety in a very well put together outfit. If making a mistake feels dangerous, doing everything exceptionally well can become a way of feeling safe. The same can be true of people pleasing, overworking or constantly preparing for every possible outcome. These strategies often bring rewards. You may be successful precisely because you are conscientious and think ahead. The question is what it costs you to maintain that level of control. If you can only relax once everything is finished, but everything is never finished, rest becomes almost impossible.

Anxiety in relationships

Anxiety can become particularly loud when we care deeply about somebody.

You may worry that your partner is losing interest, read meaning into a change in tone or feel unsettled when they need space. An unanswered message can quickly become a story about what it means. You might seek reassurance and then feel embarrassed for needing it. Other people manage anxiety by doing the opposite. They keep their distance, avoid difficult conversations or leave relationships before there is a chance of being left themselves.

Often these reactions make more sense when we understand what closeness, conflict and uncertainty have meant to us before. Therapy can help us recognise when we are responding to the person in front of us and when an older fear may be influencing what we think is happening.

Can therapy make anxiety go away?

The aim of therapy isn't necessarily to reach a point where you never feel anxious again. A life without any anxiety would probably require a life in which nothing mattered very much. The work is more about changing your relationship with anxiety so that it doesn't get to make quite so many decisions for you.

We can explore what tends to trigger it, what may sit underneath it and the patterns that keep it going. We can look at the ways you respond when you feel anxious and whether those responses genuinely help or simply offer short term relief. You can learn ways to regulate difficult feelings and become better able to tolerate uncertainty without immediately needing to make it disappear. Sometimes this involves understanding where anxiety may have come from. Sometimes it is much more about what is happening in your life now. Usually it is a little of both.

The goal isn't to become somebody who never worries, never feels frightened and is completely calm in every situation. It is to reach a place where anxiety can turn up without taking over. You can notice the feeling without automatically believing every thought that comes with it. You can soothe yourself without needing absolute certainty. You can do something that matters even while feeling nervous.

And gradually, instead of organising your life around what might go wrong, there can be a little more room for what might go right.